Update from Sept. 2018: Fun with a classic TV commercial from, say, ten years ago chronologically, but what amounts to a geological epoch, from a digital standpoint. Enjoy!
What if Quentin Tarantino had written the “Happy Pony” standoff?
With help from some select lines from his 1994 film Pulp Fiction, let’s take another look at the family’s predicament.
Don’t worry. It’s all text. No blood. No adult language. More like “Tarantino lite. ”
Let’s drop by that sunny family room on what’s probably a Sunday afternoon:
Dad: I’m changing the channel.
Mom (up on her feet with her controller aimed at Dad): Not so fast, tulip.
Dad (turns slowly to face her): Let’s get down to brass tacks. I’m only cancelling Billy’s recording.
Billy (hops up with his remote control drawn): Not no more.
Three-way standoff between Mom, Dad and Billy. All three have their remotes drawn and itchy trigger fingers.
Dad: Nobody’s gonna hurt anybody.
Little Girl: (jumps up with remote held high): Sorry, Billy. “Happy Pony’s” on, and I’m not missing “Happy Pony.” (Her eyes gleam with righteous zeal and her voice deepens.) Or I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger —
Dad: Everybody be cool. We’re family. We can work this out. We’re gonna be like three little Fonzies here. And what’s Fonzie like?
Before anyone can reply, Grandma enters from upstairs: Has anybody seen my –?
All four determined, remote-wielding toughs spin to point their remotes at Grandma.
Grandma (turns and waves in disgust): Never mind. (She retreats up the stairs.)
Dad: Did you ever hear the philosophy that once a man admits he’s wrong that he is immediately forgiven for all wrongdoing?
Little Girl: We should have shotguns for this kind of deal.
While the twitchy family members shift attention from one to another, Grandma slips downstairs. They don’t see her pull out the plug on the TV.
But they do notice when the TV goes black and silent. They snap to face Grandma with rage and malice.
Grandma: Oh, I’m sorry. Did I break your concentration?
Her family advances with all four remotes pointed at her. But Grandma has a plan.
Grandma (holding her ground by standing in front of the dark TV): If I’m curt with you, it’s because time is a factor. I think fast. I talk fast, and I need you guys to act fast if you wanna get out of this.
Grandma (pointing a smartphone at them. The phone has a picture of a burger ad on the screen): You love the taste of a good burger. Buy one, get one free. A Royale with Cheese. I saw it on Twitter. I think we should be leaving now for the restaurant.
The family shrinks back from the phone that Grandma holds up as if it were a crucifix and they were vampires. Yet, the stiff arms holding the pointed remotes slowly lower to a safe position.
Now the family sounds more like hungry but happy zombies instead of jumpy hostage takers.
Billy: Hamburgers! The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast!
Mom: We’ll be back before you can say “blueberry pie.”
Dad: I’ll drive the tainted car.
Little Girl: Yeah. We happy.
Of course she is. At the end of the commercial, “Happy Pony” is listed at the top of the DVR schedule.
You go, girl.
So, why didn’t I edit this into a video? Well, with crazy dreams of viral videos and seven-figure YouTube views, I certainly looked into it. I even gave it a whirl.
But finding the programs, learning how to use them and then editing this masterpiece would have sucked up just too much my time. I have a blog and a novel to write. So —
If you or someone you know is good at or gets a kick out of editing spoofy parody videos called “mashups” and is longing for Internet glory, here’s a script for you.
All I ask is that, as we get down to brass tacks … is that when you post your handiwork to YouTube, that you include a link to this post on The Horsey Set Net in the info section of the video’s YouTube page.
Let me know that the video is up, and I’ll add a link to your video here. You know where to find me. Either in the comments section or on the Contact page listed in the top link bar.
Now, all I need is a tasty beverage.
If you enjoyed such irreverent ragging on TV commercials, you might enjoy this post about pony commercials from Christmases past.